SOLOGS

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96/365 I’m drinking alone. Because I can. Getting high isn’t an option, so I’m drinking instead. I like to drink alone. Getting comfty and just listing all my current problems. Drinking alone is the best. Don’t get me wrong, I love drinking in the company of my friends, coworkers, relatives, strangers and angry police officers as much as the next guy. But when drinking by myself I dont have to worry about anything but the next drink and if the cigarets are gonna hold out for the night. When im drinking by myself, all is right in the universe. Even God sheds a tear of jealousy in the fact that I have found such personal joy in life. That nothing in the world, nothing at all is weighing me down. Im free to soar as high as my liver can take me. Nothing is better then the time spent drinking alone, with the best company I’ve ever know. “When you are drinking alone, at least you are drinking with someone you love.” And I love myself to pieces. And yes, I have this “DRUNK JOURNAL”. Don’t ask me why.

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89/365 I used to strive to be numb. Masking my issues and vacating reality. Pursuing crutches instead of dreams. I was stuck in a haze, so dense and each sip added to the gloom. I ended up accepting it and prolonging it. I didn’t fight it…I lost myself in it.   It finally dissipated. I’m not really sure how or why, but I know I believe in myself and I think that’s helped me find a way out of the haze.

25

Guys I hava kwento!  I finally have time to get back a little tonight. I’m quite excited for my summer internship starting this Monday heeeeeheeee. SO. I heard this song earlier on the bus. I liked it so I took note of the lyrics so I can google and download it afterward since I have no idea what the title is nor anything about the artist. Googled it immediately after! Played in my room in full volume for almost three hours, ughhhhh I love the lyrics! Then my mom checked my room, something she randomly do, I was once caught in the climax of “something”. Anyway, she was surprised why I knew that song, why I was playing it in full volume etc. It turned out that it was my dad’s favorite song. Something he used to sing for mom. Uhhh, sweet. Made me miss my dad more.  Listen HERE! :)

28

7:30am to 7:30pm classes tomorrow. Laban! Goodnight! 

33

Kanina ang ganda nung moon, bumama ako sa jeep kasi gusto ko kunan ng picture tapos may nakita akong bata sa overpass. Ang daming ‘nya dalang gamit, kinausap ko, sabi sakin pinalayas daw ’sya ng nanay nya. Di ko alam kung totoo pero sinamahan ko na lang sa Jollibee bago ako umuwi. Michael pala ang pangalan, gusto ko sana sya isama sa bahay namin! -.-

31

I just missed using bigotenituko. Sobrang badtrip ako kanina sa klase, lagi naman, pero kanina talaga ay inis na inis na ako. Napamura na ko ng malakas na narinig pa yata nung professor. Hindi ko naman sinasadya. Nabwisit lang ako dun sa research namin, kasi pinabago nila, tapos nung kino-consult ko sa kanya ay ayaw akong i-entertain dahil last week pa meeting pa daw nya yun sinabi. Ang lagay pala ay gusto niya na pagkasabi sakin eh mabago at matapos ko agad-agadan na parang minuto  lang ang kailangan para matapos ko lahat-lahat. Yung ka-partner ko pa, hindi naman masyadong nakakatulong dahil working student daw siya kaya hindi ko nakikita pag kailangang gumawa. Ako na lang tuloy ang gumagawa at tumatapos, as in. Hindi naman ako matalino, kaya siguro ganitong palpak. Ibigay ko na lang daw sa kanya kung kailangan na ipa-print dahil libre daw ang print sa kanila at sagot na niya. Sarap ng buhay mo teh! Parang gusto ko na nga mag-drop out. Pumapasok talaga sa isip ko. Gusto ko na lang mag-trabaho, kahit hindi malaki ang sweldo, hindi ko rin naman gustong yumaman ng sobra. Ayos na sakin yung “okay lang”. Minsan iniisip ko na bumagsak ako this sem, eh di mawawalan ako ng scholarship, hindi na namin afford ang tuition ko pag nawala yung tuition assistance ko, eh di titigil ako pero hindi naman ako batugan, baka makahanap na ko ng trabaho at dun makakahanap ako ng buhay. Tsaka sabi sakin ng lola ko dati, hindi daw ako dapat tumigil kasi masaya mag-aral at kailangan ko. Eh hindi na naman ako masaya. Hindi naman sa nahihirapan lang ako ngayon. Pero hindi na lang talaga ako masaya, pakiramdam ko gumagapang ako sa bubog ng bote pag pumapasok o dahil na lang sa mga kaibigan kaya ako nakakatiis pumasok pa. Hindi ko na gusto, hindi na ko nage-enjoy eh. Hay, lilipas din ito. Yuck. Ang arte ko. Arte mo! Gago!

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Me: Nay, pinayagan na ko ni mama na magpa-tattoo. Lola: Sige magpalagay ka, hindi na lang ako titingin sayo. Me: Bakit ba? Payag na nga si mama. Sa tagong part naman, sa chest. Lola: Sa bayag ka na lang magpalagay kung tago. Para asawa mo lang makakakita. - Hahahaha. Ayaw nya kong magpa-tattoo :( hahaha

29

Nakita ko na si Suni sa wakas! Hahahahaha! Matagal ko na kasing nakilala si Suni dito sa tumblr. Tagal na din namin pina-plano magkita kaso hindi naman lagi natutuloy kasi busy ako sa mga charity works ko bilang reigning Binibining Pilipinas title holder. Chos. Nitong December lang nairita na ko, sabi ko pag natapos ang 2012 na hindi kami nagkikita eh wag na wag na kaming mag-uusap pa kahit kelan. Pressure! Chos ulit. Kaninang umaga, tulog pa si Suni, tinetext ko na agad na magkita kami sa Festival Mall-Alabang kaso napalipat na sa Luneta. Pumunta muna kami sa Intramuros, inikot namin tapos nilakad hanggang Luneta tapos nilakad ulit hanggang Manila Bay tapos nilakad namin hanggang Gil Puyat LRT station. Sakit ng legs ko hanggang ngayon! Haha! Yun lang! Nagkita lang kami at gusto ko lang i-kwento. PS. Sakit parin ng legs ko! Hardcore!

36

Tested myself last night. 13 stallions of red horse to bring myself down. Hahahhaha 

16

Good night!

62

Clouds I photographed through the year. Goodnight!

19

I found my 2011 journal. Reading it all over again, I cant believe I was that stupid and impulsive hahaha! A year ago, I would never guess my life would like this, the way it is now. So much better.

15

Sumigaw, palabas at sabihin sa iyo ang lahat. Tumakbo, palayo at iiwanan na ang alala mo.

12

Pasensya na kung pinabayaan ko. Sabi mo gusto mo, gusto ko rin hindi ko lang sinabi. Sinamantala ko hanggang nawala na at ako magisa ang nawalan. Pasensya na kung nawala na. Hindi ko sinasadya.  Pasensya na kung may pagtingin parin ako.  Hindi ko naisip na magbabago.

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CASA Mabini Seryoso, mga two weeks na akong hindi nakakainom. Hilong-hilo na ko sa putanginang thesis na yan.